How I Feel


In a relationship at this age (19) most people look for longevity and someone they can grow with. No one has time for mind games or constant arguing. Of course every couple argues now and then, but when neither of you wants or cares to sort it out, or you’re just sitting waiting for the next one, then you know you have a problem!

The thing with me is that I’ve always looked for the qualities I’ve first mentioned since I first wanted a relationship. The longevity, the growth, someone you can laugh with, cry with, chill with, treat, a best friend, a partner. These are all things I wanted, especially growing up with parents like mine where I can see first hand how they’ve been married for over twenty-five years.

Now I’ve had girlfriends before, but until recently, I have never met someone who I just clicked with so instantly, who I can literally talk to for 24 hours a day without ever getting bored. Someone who’s the same as me in so many ways but different at the same time. But of course life isn’t always as straight forward as that as much as it seems like a perfect fit there are complications that are out of my control.

Just because someone sees what you see, doesn’t mean they want it. It doesn’t mean they’re ready for it. Or maybe someone else got there first and they’re trying to do the right thing by that person. You can’t force something if you want it to stay real, if you want it to last. But it’s so hard to sit and wait or watch knowing you’re better for the person. Knowing how special your relationship is and how much you’ve been through already. Having dreams and ambitions that you want to achieve with that person by your side. There is a fine line between love and lust and I’ve realised the difference.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. If I care about you then I care about you 110% or I don’t care at all. I can’t hide how I feel and I act impulsively at times. I’m not like the many people our age who think it’s cool not to care or to cut people off. I will always try to make things work with the people I care about. If that’s a weakness then that’s fine. I’m not perfect, I’m human. And that’s okay. In the past I’ve always tried to be better, to change myself to fit what I thought my partner wanted. But this person has made me realise that while it is always good to try and be a better person, you don’t have to change yourself in the process because the person likes you for you in the first place (if that makes sense).

If I meet someone, it doesn’t matter what I’ve heard about you in the past or who you were in the past. In my eyes all that matters is the energy you give off and your heart. The kind of person you are. This girl has the same heart as me, we think the same, but of course we disagree because we are not the same. But this natural closeness we have developed means that we will always get through things as long as we stick together. It’s an amazing feeling and one I don’t want to lose.

There isn’t really a point to what I’m writing, except that I know I have never felt this way about anybody before and it’s so hard to be in a position where the outcome of something so important to me is not in my control at all. I don’t think I’ve been this sure about anything before, but a relationship takes two, and you can’t force something that means so much.



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